Understanding Emotional Regulation: A Key to Managing Your Feelings
- Rachel Lyon-Jukes
- Dec 23, 2024
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 13
In my many years of therapy, I have found emotional regulation to be a bit like dipping your hand into a bag of sweets. There is an array of techniques, however, not everyone will be to your satisfaction. One day one may work, the next it may not. The same flavour of skittle does not always hit the sweet spot.
But the one thing I have learned that is difficult is that you have to try and try again. There have been many times when I have experienced a negative emotion and been unconsciously aware of what i need to try to help myself effectively.
There is no bull shit, easy route to being with your emotions. There is no magic process of doing this and ta-da! It takes effort, energy and persistence. Let's look at some of the techniques to put into practice.
Recognise your emotions
Bring awareness to what you are experiencing and label it. What is the emotion? Say to yourself, I am feeling... This step sounds easy but is often missed because people want to get rid of or control their emotions. Bringing awareness to what you are feeling allows emotions space and time to be. Sometimes space is all a person needs to ride out the negative feeling.
Understand the triggers & Validate
It is time to dig deep and try to figure out why the emotion arose in the first place. Was it triggered by a situation, thought or memory? Having an understanding of your triggers can help you to anticipate a surge of unwanted emotions in the future. Then validate yourself. You are feeling this way because ... and that is ok, not surprising, normal.
Acceptance
This is my working goal for 2025- accepting my emotions. Acceptance does not mean you give in and pretend that everything is ok. Acceptance is creating space for internal feelings and allowing them to be present, rather than control or rid of them. It is without judgement and self-criticism that we can give our emotions space so they don't control our lives. Instead practicing acceptance offers us the chance to be curious about the underlying details.
Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same empathy as you would a friend. Be non-judgemental towards your experience if intrusive thoughts come up, let them be. Acknowledge and disengage. Try an exercise where you write a letter to a friend giving them advice and support because they are struggling. And then read it back to yourself.
Develop coping strategies
Make sure to have a self-care routine as part of your daily life or as a comfort when things get tough. You can also practice breathing techniques, meditations and exercise to help work through some of the unwanted emotions. Make a list of the things that evoke positive emotions from you or that calm/ comfort you. Keep these handy for times when tough emotions are present. Sometimes we need a prompt.
I have a list of reminders and quotes that I read when I feel hopeless. Things like "It will pass" act as a mantra for me. I also use a weighted blanket when I feel overwhelming anxiety. Changes in the body help to regulate your nervous system.
Reflection.
This can come after a time of emotional overwhelm or whilst the emotion is still present. Ask yourself " How do I want to feel?" And then "What do I need to get there?" Allowing your mind to think about these questions not only acts as a distraction to the internal sensations, but it allows you to take action towards a different outcome, a more desirable outcome. If you want to feel calmer because you are anxious, you could make the conscious effort to take a hot bath, have a biscuit and a brew or hug your dog. If you want to feel a bit of joy, you could make a playlist of feel-good songs, watch funny videos or sit outside in the sunshine. Create options for yourself.
Regulating emotion is a practice, one that has to be continually worked upon becuase you could do something successfully one way and then the following day it doesn't work the same. You need options for yourself, and that comes with practice, patience and persistence.
Comments